| | Current Music: | High And Dry | | Subject: | money | | Time: | 11:34 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/thinking.gif) contemplative |
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| Sometimes the money thing just kicks my ass. I spent much of the last couple of days adding up receipts and generally taking measure of that part of my life. I thought that since I had a jobby job I wouldn't have to do all the adding up I had to do when I freelanced, but my accountant (the wonderful Vito of Vasco Accounting) tells me otherwise. I spent money on feng shui teachings and supplies, and since I also made money it makes sense to itemize and take a loss on that business if need be. So I dragged out all my receipts and tallied away. I'm amazed at all the stupid places my money went in 2004. And I'm amazed at how generous I am with other people, and how careful and cautious I am with myself. I don't want to stop the generosity, but I would like to share the love with myself. I also had a rude awakening re: my savings, I should have a few thousand more than I do in the bank. If I'm going to follow my plan, austerity measures might need to be put in place. Which brings me back to that lack of generosity towards myself. I guess I'll have to be generous in non-monetary terms.
When will the castles come? | comments: Leave a comment   |
| I love it. I love it because of my problems with having bookmarks on different computers and different browsers and my problems with remembering what any given bookmark actually is, of course,
But *mostly* I love it because it brings back the days when the card in the back of books in the library showed a list of who had borrowed that book. I loved seeing the same names crop up as I worked my way through the shelves. This system disappeared from the NYPL library pretty early on, but was still in use at the college I went to--I would check out classes given by professors whose names I found on interesting books, and if I saw the name of someone I knew on something obscure, I knew I had a go-to on that subject. Most of the time I just enjoyed seeing names--even if I had no idea who the people were, they were real people, they were the people who had carried around and read these books before me.
I use the public library alot--I'm power user of LEO--the online system that lets you locate and reserve books online (it's wild--I find a book, hit reserve, and within a week or so it's delivered to the library a block from my office). But I miss being the sense that there were actual other people reading the books I was reading, being inspired, educated, bored and entertained by the same things. Or not.
With del.icio.us I have the same sense of anonymity and community--I like looking at who else has tagged the sites I've tagged, and what else they're looking at.
Sounds banal I know, but it makes me happy. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I'm looking at making some life changes, and along with them are, of course, changes within my home. Moving shit around. Changing shit up. Wires are making me crazy. My slow grindy computer (which is freezing in Firefox at least 1x/day) needs replacing. I tried to password protect my wireless and broke the whole damn thing. With the new computer (which I'll get as soon as I make some freelance money) I want a monitor that can also be replace my television (which I only bought because my ibook stopped playing DVDs). And I want to section off my bed from my desk, but I can't figure out what you call ceiling tracks that aren't lighting tracks. Are their suc things? I'm thinking of something like a giant shower curtain, but with more ball-bearingness.
Would it be better to get a mac mini or an imac? which would, ultimately, have fewer wires? And which would cost less (if I bought a non-mac monitor). My head hurts.
Why is it easier to do things for other people than for myself? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I gave money to Architects for Humanity. It seemed like I had to give something, although what I really wanted to do was do something. I'm feeling rather useless right now. Spending my time in a cube. The work I do isn't exactly harmful, but it's surely not helpful. Sending money to a relief effort didn't make me feel any better. Not that it was supposed to. Hopefully my money will help build a home, and then someone, somewhere, will feel Really Good. But it was frustrating to know that all this energy being put towards emergency relief is energy that is needed all the time. According to the New Yorker:
4 million have died because of the civil war in the Congo
70,000 dead because of genocide in Darfur, Sudan
"In the year just ended, scores of thousands died in wars and massacres elsewhere in Africa, in Asia, in the archipelagoes of the Pacific, and, of course in Iraq" (p. 25 17 Jan 2005)
2,000,000 died of malaria
1,500,000 died of diarrhea
5,000,000 children starved to death
3,000,000 people died of AIDS.
etc.
etc.
etc. | | |
| I've been thinking alot about civic etiquette lately. I'm chock full of anxiety, and when that's the case, it doesn't take much to set my nerves a jangling. So civility matters. Alot. And I become acutely aware of all the things we do that we could do better. Like riding the escalator. It wouldn't be hard to stand on the right and walk on the left. And if we all did it no one would be stuck standing when they'd rather be walking. And there would be a little less anxiety in the air. But we don't do it. And not out of spite, but rather because it is not one of those "rules."
Some civic etiquette is legalized--like poop scooping in NYC. It made a difference when it was introduced, though I've noticed that people are slacking off quite a bit lately. Some is localized--like not walking 3 abreast on the sidewalks of New York. Some is an extension of private manners--like covering your mouth when you cough.
Civetiquette affects the individual, but it is hard for the individual to address. There is a PDF circulating round the interweb of some cards to be handed out to cell phone abusers (i.e. "You're talking VERY LOUDLY. Please SHUSH.") but they seem rather antagonistic. I can't imagine sharing space with someone once you've handed them such a card, which defeats the purpose. I'd love to have some stickers for escalators--simple ones indicating that one should stand on the right and walk on the left. Which of course would have to be stuck on escalators--thus defacing private and public property, albeit for the greater good (albeit as defined by me).
Here's another solution: (via boingboing) http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/2004/03.11/01-mockus.html | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | ouch | | Time: | 12:16 pm |
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| There's nothing quite like getting kicked in the head by 59 million people.
On the way to work today I made the mistake of looking down. Dog do everywhere. Spread across the sidewalk. I guess nobody cares any more. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Public Service Announcement--Danger Mouse | | Subject: | grand jury | | Time: | 07:26 pm |
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| Some things I've learned from grand jury duty:
1. Do not live on the ground floor.
2. Be very careful about lending money--even $20 or $80--sometimes people shoot, stab or smash you with bricks rather than repaying.
3. Do not make any sudden moves in public places.
4. Avoid the Morgan Avenue station in Brooklyn. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Since the reason for taking this job was to stop living so hand to mouth, I'm trying to save a chunk of cash this year. Part of the regime is a spending fast. I'm aiming for 90 days. No unnecessary spending. Food is fine. Socializing is fine. But no products, unless they are replacing something essential. I started at Chinese New Year (might as well--and it seemed appropriate after welcoming the wealth gods). I'm constantly having to remind myself, as I look around the city, that there is always more, that there is always new stuff. Nothing is so essential that it must be bought and bought now. Maybe if I found that perfect player piano again (my own personal one that got away) I would have to crack. Not that I have anywhere to put it. Oddly enough it feels good. Paring away the stuff that doesn't matter so that there is room for what does. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Halcyon -- Orbital | | Subject: | lovely vacation | | Time: | 01:23 am | | Current Mood: | Shaky |
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| Just returned home from a lovely vacation. It was full of good people and lovely food (sometimes at the same time). My friend Ilona is happy in Napa (it's taken a while, but she's finally got it working for her), and her son Tenzin is the best 3 (almost 3 1/2) year old ever. My only complaint was the cold. SF and the Bay Area are freakin' cold. Cold and damp. I was hardly ever warm the entire time I was there. SF is much the same--I love the pacirific vibe, but the bloom is off the rose. When I first visited it was almost the city of my dreams, and now I'm glad I'm not there.
Caught a bug on the last day there. Came home, showered and slept for 18 hours. Sweat it out I think, though I'm still shaky.
New Year's was wonderfully mellow. Walking along Mission Street in the rain with a good friend. I'm still thinking about my resolutions. The concrete and the ephemeral. The person I am and the person I want to be. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I've been thinking alot about doing a money fast in the new year. For 3 months or so. No unnecessary spending. No clothing, no toys. No new random makeup. No sample sales.
Now that I have a job the temptation is to spend money. But what I really want is a home. And even though I will never be able to afford a home in New York with this job, I still want to make the effort. I want to put money aside, to have options. I want to go places I've never been, places for which tickets cost more than $300.
I would still go out to eat. Entertainment is also allowed (within limits). Books I can get from the library. Netflix is fine, but no Tower Video. No cabs.
This is still an idea in progress. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | xmas | | Time: | 02:18 pm |
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| | Last year's theme was "what I wish for you spraypainted on a piece of wood." This year's theme is "what I can find on 32nd Street during lunch." | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | The Ballad Of Helen Keller & Rip Van Winkle--Moldy Peaches | | Subject: | anthopology | | Time: | 04:58 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif) moody |
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| Sunday night, and of course I am thinking about work--and about how I haven't done laundry, haven't been out and about, haven't gone grocery shopping, haven't gone to yoga, etc. etc. My fault of course, there was plenty of time. There is always enough time.
I am an anthropologist at the office--watching, listening, recording. I want to know how others do this. When I hear that someone is going out to run an errand, I look at the clock. Is it lunchtime? Can you go out to run an errand AND go out at lunch? I see when people arrive and when they leave, and try to figure out how much I actually have to be in the office. If the day was 4 hours I would still get everything done, the fact that I have to be there for 7 irks me.
someday i will have something else on the brain... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Rosa Helikopter | | Subject: | parsnips | | Time: | 10:16 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) satisfied |
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| Roasted Parsnips are the Watermelon of Winter.
Yum. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Working a regular job is a very odd thing to do. It is touted as the "normal" thing, and yet it is completely inhumane. Not like torture or genocide, but inhumane nonetheless. We lock ourselves in a panopticon, subjecting ourselves to a bizarre regiment of lockstep hours of activity and "production." I can't see the point, other than to get by, to pay rent, to be housed rather than homeless. I feel as though I am being robbed. Lunchtime comes, and I bolt out of there. I get on the train or go for a walk. But it is only an hour, not nearly long enough. I guess that's why people make friends at work, so that their worklife is their socialife. But I don't want a new bunch of "workfriends," I want time to spend with my friends who are too scattered.
My friend Amber in London was pleased that I got a job "because I could visit more," which was completely missing the point. It's true that I haven't popped over the pond more often because of money concerns, but now that I have a job it's not an option, because I DON'T HAVE THE TIME.
I can't go to yoga because I CAN'T GET THERE ON TIME.
And so I am doomed to what Mr. Wilms calls "businessman's butt" or "secretary's spread."
Today it snowed and it took me 2 1/2 hours to get home--4 trains and a mile long walk in now-ruined suede sneakers.
And then I get home and can't bear to do anything other than try not to despair about doing it all again next week.
I guess the reason this is all so bleak is because I am doing something I am good at, rather than something that I want to do. It means that I am doing something that feels like it has no value. I am a good worker, very fast and efficient. I get things done, and done well. Everyone is always very pleased. But after a momentary satisfaction I feel empty.
I believe, somehow, that we all have gifts, and that the world would work well if each of us used our gifts. I'm not sure what mine is, but right now I'm certainly wasting it. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Stevie Wonder - Pastime Paradise | | Subject: | Jobby Job | | Time: | 11:08 pm | | Current Mood: | awake |
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| I got a job, and start on Tuesday. I applied of course, but am still ambivalent. I think it will be "good" for me--to be freed of the worries of getting by day to day. As with so many things, it is a matter of freedom to v. freedom from. Freedom from bankruptcy, freedom from endless questions from family and friends. And a loss of freedom to, no more freedom to make my own day, to go away, to ...
It's just a job. I should be grateful I guess. Dental, and, I hope, mental. I hope I hope.
I'm working through the 19th of the month, then off through the new year. I want to make the "most" of it, to go away, to be free for one last breath.
I'm worried about my RSI--I spent months, and thousands of dollars, to get just a bit better, to be able to sit at a computer with shooting pains (reduced to a dull ache most of the time). One of the reasons I didn't stay on at my old job was because of the pain, and because I was told that it would just get worse, and the damage was verging on irreparable. I was scared then, and I am scared now. I'll also have to give up crafting. It's one of the other--apparently I am only built for a finite amount of fine work.
Still, gratitude is in order. Jobs are tough to come by, and this one is not with an ad agency, or doing anything that is either immoral, illegal or simply distasteful.
And the breather between starting for real for real is a gift. I can go somewhere, visit friends, a spa. Something. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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